The Waiting Game. Article written for Wonderful Mama Magazine – June 2015
I’ve been thinking about writing this piece for a long time now, but given that we’ll be meeting our triplets in a couple of days, it feels like the right time to put pen to paper – a bit like now or never.
We’re currently at the end of our pregnancy “Waiting Game” and about to embark on a whole new journey, but this story is about the experience of becoming a mother, and a parent. The excitement, the joy, the fear and the emotional roller coaster that is – trying to start a family.
So, here’s our story…
We’re about become parents to four children under the age of 2. For those of you who haven’t been following our journey, we have an almost 2 years old and triplets on the way. But 3 years ago it was a very different picture.
I know many of you will be able to relate to parts of our journey, and all of you will have your own stories to share. I’m writing this in the hope that it will start the conversation rolling at whatever stage you are in your journey to parent-hood – as too often if we’re having issues, we don’t talk about it as we think no one will understand, or we assume that its easier for others. Once you start the conversation you realise that everyone has a story to tell and their own experiences to share. Sure it’s easier for some than others, but it’s encouraging to know that no matter what you’re going through, you’re not alone.
The first phase: Waiting until the time is right.
If you’re at the start of your journey into motherhood (or parent hood), you’ll often hear people say: “There’s never a right or perfect time to start a family”. And, for most of us, it’s true and if you keep waiting for the right time, sometimes you may miss your window. We almost did and sadly, I know some people that have.
Rob and I have been together for 15 years this year, and in the beginning, there never seemed to be a right time to start trying for a family. We were young and there was always a new promotion at work, or a new job opportunity, a house to buy, a wedding to plan and overseas holiday to enjoy… By the time we decided to take the plunge, we were in our early 30’s and hadn’t imagined that it would take us so long to get pregnant. It was 3 years of trying and dodging the “So, when are you guys having kids?” line of questioning, before we started talking to people about the fact that we were having trouble. I guess we just didn’t want to admit that it wasn’t happening for us.
We eventually decided to speak to a specialist and after months of testing, operations and natural medicines, we were diagnosed with “unexplained infertility”. Whatever that means!!! We were finally recommended to start the IVF process if we were going to have children.
I had never thought that this would be our experience. I’d never discussed this with friends or family I just assumed that it would just happen for us. We’re positive, happy and lucky in life and everything always seems to go our way, but not this time. It just didn’t make any sense! It was even more confusing and disheartening to watch our friends fall pregnant one by one, and it seemed that it was easy for everyone else. Some of our friends had had 2 children in the time we were trying for one. I didn’t realise it at the time, but it was obvious later that the stress and the pressure I was putting on myself was taking an effect.
So it was October 2012 and we got our IVF paperwork, but we decide to put off sending in the paper work until the new year. We decided to have one last carefree summer, one last hurrah. Little did we know that the minute we would stop “trying” would be the minute we finally got pregnant. We found out in November 2012 that we were expecting our first baby.
All the waiting had finally paid off and we were about to become parents. This was one of the most exciting days of my life!
Our second attempt at pregnancy was not quite so long in the waiting. Rob and I always knew we wanted to have our children close together so we didn’t wait long to start trying again. After about 12 months we decided to go and see another specialist, this time we said we wanted to try out other options before IVF as we knew it was possible for us. After quite a lot of testing, our new specialist discovered that it was actually not “unexplainable infertility” but simply the fact that I just wasn’t ovulating! She recommended that we try a fertility medication which assists in ovulation – Chlomid. We knew there was a small chance of having twins (even increased due to twins in the family), but had never even considered the chance of having triplets. But the very first month of taking the medication, that’s exactly what happened. After a small period of adjusting to going from the little family of three to double the size in less than 9 months, we know that we couldn’t be more blessed.
The second phase: The First Trimester Waiting Game:
Once you’ve finally got that positive test result (or in some case 3 or 4 positive tests in your hands!) and you’ve had your first appointment with your doctor to confirm that – you are in fact pregnant, the waiting starts all over again. You have your 7-week scan to confirm that everything is working as it should, but then you have to reach your first milestone – the 12 week mark!
Again, this is something that people don’t talk about, and it’s an age old tradition not to – people don’t share their news until they know that they’ve passed the most venerable period in a pregnancy – the first trimester. Up to 20 % of pregnancies sadly don’t make it past the first trimester, which is a huge number – one in five pregnancies! Ectopic pregnancies, miscarriages, phantom pregnancies are all very real and very heartbreaking to so many parents to be.
Again, we were the lucky ones, and haven’t had this experience, but after speaking honestly with my friends and family about our journey I was surprised to hear how many of them had their own stories and heart aches to share but just never felt comfortable talking about it until they realised they weren’t the only ones struggling to start a family.
The third phase: The viability Waiting Game:
Getting through the first trimester is one thing, and such an important milestone to reach for so many, but there are still plenty of twists and turns on the roller coaster to go before you meet your baby or babies! Getting to viability stage (or the 23 – 24 week mark – can be a very stressful time for some parents, particularly if they’ve had previous pregnancies when they didn’t make it past this stage. It’s also a very real issue for families expecting twins or higher multiples (triplets and beyond!)
This can be the hardest part for many as and you’ve fallen in love with this beautiful life growing inside you for the past 3 months but the doctors and specialists still tell you not to make any life altering decisions until you’ve reached the next phase. Of course you go on as if its never going to happen to you, but sometimes it does, and sometimes you’ll be forces to make decisions that you had never considered you’d have to make. But you’re not alone and the vast majority of the time it will be okay, but thank fully modern medicine is amazing these days and really does allow miracles to happen. I’ve seen it with my own eyes with babies as young as 23 weeks and as small as 450 grams survive and thrive. It’s truly amazing and inspiring to see and its stories like these that help you survive the final waiting stage.
The final stage: The last trimester Waiting Game:
You’ve made it this far and now you feel like you can create a plan and excited that you’re on the home-stretch. This phase is definitely the most exciting and nerve racking, but also the most physically challenging. You have up to 16 weeks until you meet your baby / babies, (sometimes much less if you’re expecting twins or triplets!).
This is when the time can really start to drag… The body gets heavier, the nights get longer, and you have a “Countdown” running in your head 24/7 along side a “To-Do list” that just keeps growing. But the excitement and the expectation get you through each day and knowing that you’re about to become a family makes every day worthwhile.
We’re now less than 48 hours away from meeting our miracle babies to complete our family and start the next phase.
Wherever you are on your journey, the important thing to remember is to stay positive no matter what, every step of the way and believe that it will happen for you (one way or another) and never give up hope. The mind is a very powerful thing.
If you’re in the beginning of your pregnancy journey, in the early years of raising your children, or watching your kids head off to school or start a family of their own, thank you for following our story so far and for the love and support we’ve felt from everyone these last few months.
Love Em & Rob, and Zee + 3.
Ps. We cant wait to share our news with you all soon and tell you our +3 names! Check out our blog for the announcement this week –
www.zeeplusthree.com